Who Am I?

Who am I? I am a child of God who has forgotten my origins, a lonely rudderless traveler who has lost the way and no longer understand the meaning and purpose of life. I am a soul that can no longer remember what it was like to travel swiftly at the speed of thought through infinite realms without the need to expend mechanical or biological energy, without the need to guide and direct a physical body, operate a machine or control an animal to get from point A to point B. I can't remember how it felt to communicate without sound, or what it was like to experience a tidal wave of colors not limited by the constricted range available to the cone cells of a human eye.

I used to listen to God. He filled my awareness and I communed with him constantly instead of barely hearing a whisper from him on Sunday morning. I am a soul made in the image of God who has been trapped in the earth and its environs for so long that I cannot imagine being anything but a physical body. I am a person who cannot comprehend beauty more magnificent than the wonders of nature wrought by God, even though I watched the creation of an entire universe and the evolution of a vast array of life forms from the precarious beginning of a few single-celled creatures to a garden planet filled with all manner of plant and animal life.

As a newly created soul, I had the run of eternity through distances and dimensions beyond imagination in the spiritual equivalent of space. Time stood still for me and I did not age, suffer in sickness, or fear death. I could bask in the light and love of an infinite being that knew my every need, who was willing to let me grow and mature into a worthy companion and offered to teach me how to unleash unimaginable powers of creativity. I am the one who pushed God aside, telling him that I knew a better way, that my desire to know and express myself in the exciting material world of vegetation and flesh would be more fulfilling than spending eternity with him. I am the foolish soul that gave up the extraordinary so that I might grasp the mundane, whose selfish desire for the titillations, attractions and gratifications of the finite world of matter drew me away from the boundless selfless love and security offered by God.

Who am I? I am a tired soul no longer satisfied by the once enchanting baubles of the material world. I am one who seeks for what has been lost, who searches for something elusive that tantalizes me from the recesses of my mind but which fades and dissipates when I reach for it. I am one who has lost the knowledge of how to approach God, how to ask for forgiveness from him, how to forgive myself for the arrogance I had in telling him I knew better than He. I am a child who can't see his own father even when he offers to reveal himself to me. I am a wanderer in materiality surrounded by a vast court of fellow souls who are just as lost as I am. My mind is overwhelmed and I drown in the sea of sensory overload that pushes the memory of my God into a remote corner of my consciousness.

I open my mouth to express my God but am afraid I will be ridiculed by the many around me who have succumbed to the attractions and trappings of materiality and will think my opinions foolish. I am a child of God, too afraid and ashamed to proclaim any knowledge of my Father and to express my love for Him to other lost souls for fear of being mocked and held in contempt. I am a faithless worm of a human being unable or unwilling to declare my real ancestry. I am a soul who knows the way back to the Father but is too weak to walk it. I long to emulate the true Son who gave his life to remind me of all I have forgotten but too often it seems like too much effort.

I walk with the weakness of flesh when I could fly with the power of spirit. I abandoned a glorious spiritual realm for the dubious pleasure of an earthly existence. I am one who gave up my birthright for a mess of pottage, ignored my Father's voice and turned to the siren song of sensuality. I am a trapped soul, earthbound, unable to escape, caught in a web of my own making, a seemingly endless cycle of suffering and pain while God patiently waits for me to come to my senses. I am a consciousness too keenly aware of the allure of my body's sensory perceptions and to dismally oblivious of my spiritual origins and the spirit of God calling me home. I am like the prodigal son but without his good sense to return to the Father.

I read the Good Book and try to store a few special verses in my memory, only to forget them and their lessons the moment I need to apply them. I am the one who practices patience until it is most needed, who practices kindness until it gets in the way of my self-interest, who remembers the word humility on Sunday morning but so easily forgets it when pride seems to serve me better. I reach out my hand seeking to be rescued but the weight of my sins and desire for one last round of sensual pleasure drags me back down into the cesspool of materiality.

I willingly live in a state of spiritual poverty ever seeking the elusive satisfaction of material comfort and security. I know that the way out of my dilemma lies within my inner self. My best hope for the future unfolds before me only as I choose to act on thoughts that bring your qualities of love, kindness and patience into this harsh world of my creation. I ask for the strength to reject those earthly desires that rise and take shape in my mind rendering me powerless to live up to the standard set by your Son. I know with a certainty that you will receive me with open arms if and when I finally decide that your love and your presence in my mind and heart is more fulfilling than any material gain and any amount of wealth or power I can acquire. You tell me that I am a portion of you, that I am a God in the making, and that I should strive to be as perfect as you, but in my weakness and unwillingness I fail to grasp the truth you offer to me. Why am I hesitant to take the first step in the journey that ends with spiritual and mental companionship with the Almighty Creator of the universe? For what am I waiting? You are my hope for a better future but time and time again I fail to stretch out my arm and take hold of your hand.

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